A waterbird’s wings have this kind of oil, which is what keeps it afloat. So you should never wash a seagull with detergent, because it’ll take the oil out and the seagull will sink. No, you should hand-wash it gently in cold water. Of course, with seagulls or anything else, you’re always best off following the directions on the label.

If for some inane reason you feel the need to quote me, here’s my quote:The failure to achieve is more often caused by the failure to attempt than the failure to excel.

If a woman  expects her man to enjoy eating vegetables as much as she does, she isn’t  taking into consideration two things:

1) Women being smarter than men in general, they are much more likely to take health benefit into consideration when it comes to eating than men, whose primary consideration with food, perhaps even  SOLE consideration, is taste.

2) guys’ aversion to green when it comes to consumption.  Green equals gross. Green is great in the wallet or on a golf course but when it comes to swallowing something green most guys would prefer to limit their green intake  to margaritas and Gatorade. The only solid green food item that guys will almost always eat without complaint or hesitation is celery. Fresh and cold, to  bite it is to experience is a crunchy snap not unlike that the guy associates with, say, a tortilla chip, so celery becomes something of a snack food. Since it is often dipped in ranch dressing or a tasty dip, hey, it IS a snack food.  Cooked celery is also acceptable to most guys, especially tossed into a slow cooker with a pork roast,sliced potatoes and carrots with a big can of verde enchilada sauce (which is, yes, green). there are other exceptions to guys’  green food aversion, most notably with broccoli, asparagus or green beans, but even guys who claim to like them  ain’t going back for seconds. Just watch 'em if you think I'm lying. A second margarita, though? Now you’re talking.

It amazes me that my TV provider offers me something like 250 channels and there’s nothing on that I want to watch. More than 200 choices and nothing worthy of  my attention. Even with the various streaming options, On this flat, widescreen, high-resolution, color (obviously)TV set. When I was a kid, the television was this big, clunky piece of furniture that my father would have to carry in with a buddy’s help, so heavy that wherever they set it down, it was going to reside. And it was black-and-white. On all three channels: ABC, NBC and CBS. All with plenty of the commercials that I now have no patience for.. I must have been easier to please then because out of three whole options there always seemed to be something good on. I still remember the feeling of awe when I first saw television in color. Holy shit, green grass, blue sky, flesh-colored faces, the whole deal. I think I was in the  eighth grade before I saw  a big wooden boxy thing capable of showing  anything that wasn’t in black and white. Which was good timing, because one of my favorite shows quickly became  Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color, which would have been downright depressing  in black and white.